Youre sitting alone in your apartment minding your own business when, out of nowhere, someone bursts through your front door.
Its your landlord, Chester, and he wants to have a word with you.
Look, lets cut the bullshit, he says. Your life aint nothing but a big frown, and its a goddamn shame that you happened. But youre here, and theres nothing nobody can do about it, so you might as well get out of this junk-ass funeral apartment and try to be happy.
Chester pauses to spit on your carpet.
So whats it gonna be, eh? Whats something that would make a toilet-faced clown like you happy?
Goddamn, thats a stupid idea. Youre a moron! A tragedy! An ass of a tenant! But if touching a camel will make you happy, then lets get you to a fucking zoo.
Welp, here we are. Its the goddamn zoo, says Chester. Theres probably a camel in there you can touch. Maybe it will make you happy, but probably not. Life owes losers like you no favors.
Chester pauses to spit on your shoes.
Anyway, Im gonna leave you here and go do some winner shit. Youre on your own now, asshole. Good luck.
You go into the zoo just like your landlord, Chester, told you to. Chester is very successful and well-respected, and youre thrilled that he took the time out of his busy schedule to help you become a better person.
Hopefully, you can touch a camel today. You like camels because they are horses that God made while he was having a seizure, sort of like how you are a human that God made while having a seizure. You think that touching a camel would make you happy, and maybe if you were happy you could become a winner like Chester.
According to the helpful map, the Camel Savannah exhibit is at the back of the zoo.
Oh no. Looks like the camel exhibit is closed today. What a disaster.
Hello, why cant I go to the camels? you ask a passing maintenance worker.
The exhibits closed for construction. The ceilings were only 4 feet high, and the camels had to roll around on the floor if they wanted to get anywhere. So now were making the ceilings 5 feet high to make it easier for them.
Yes, good idea, you say. Where are the camels staying while you fix their house?
We loaded them up in a backhoe and dumped them off somewhere else in the zoo. Id tell you where, but you look like a huge loser.
Everyone is mean to you all the time and you dont know why.
Fuck off, the man says, throwing the watch into the trash can. Losers dont get to know about camels.
The camels could be anywhere in the zoo. Where would you like to go look for them?
Hello, welcome to the Rascal Flatts Memorial Petting Zoo, says a man. You can touch animals with your hands here.
The first animal you see is a quiet horn animal.
The horn animal likes it when you pat its face, and it screams with ecstasy. Other horn animals take notice, and a smaller one comes over and holds its face up so that you will pet it too.
You pat the smaller horn animals face, and it screams even louder than the first one. The screaming is so loud that, suddenly, a ton more horn animals rush over in hopes that you will pat their faces.
You try patting all of the horn animals faces, but whenever they make a pleasure scream, dozens more of them show up. You dont know where theyre coming from, but thousands of the horn animals crowd into the petting zoo, and they wont let you go anywherenot even to the bathroom. You only have time to pat maybe half of them before the sun starts setting and an employee informs you that the zoo is closing. Its time to go.
What the heck? Looks like you wont be touching a camel after all.
Well, look what we have here! Its a husky boy rabbit. When you were little, you had 70 rabbits just like this one that would sleep in your bed and play baseball with you and chase you to church. They were your best friends, but wreckage from the Challenger explosion fell from the sky and landed on them, killing them instantly. A lot of kids from your school saw it happen, and they still josh you about it to this day.
The rabbit lets out a loud sigh.
Eek, frog! No thanks!
You happen upon a big, soft hog, and youre offended to see that he is sleeping. You believe very strongly that the hog should be awake, as the only purpose and job that petting zoo animals have in life is to interact with humans and make them feel special. Some ways they can do this are by eating pellets out of your hand, making sounds at you, or letting children hit them without retaliating.
When you buy a zoo ticket, youre paying to become the animals master for the day. And while you might be a nobody in the real world, here you are a big deala ruler of beasts. Understanding this incredible power that you have, you decide that its your responsibility to wake up this big, soft hog and show him that you are its boss.
How do you want to wake him up?
The rude hog doesnt wake up. He is not obeying.
You cant let him disrespect you. Try harder to wake him up.
Hearing the incredibly scary pig cartoon makes the hog wake up right away, but hes so terrified that he sprints out of his pen and runs far away. Now that you think about it, that was a pretty mean thing you did to the hog. You hope he will forgive you and come back later.
You pick up the hog and shake him around and yell in his face. It wakes him up right away, but it scares him so much that he sprints out of his pen and runs far away. Now that you think about it, that was a pretty mean thing you did to the hog. You hope he will forgive you and come back later.
You wander out of the hog pen and see something so amazing that your heart literally stops beating and all your blood pools in your hands, making your hands swell up like veiny couch cushions. Its a goddamn camel, the beautiful, lumpy animal that you love so much.
So dang cool!
And because the camel is in the petting zoo, youre allowed to touch it, meaning your dream of touching a camel is finally going to come true. Christ, what a special treat youre about to enjoy!
Just as you go to touch the magnificent camel, an enraged hog the size of your landlord Chesters Dodge Durango jumps in front of you and roars as loud as your landlord Chesters Dodge Durango. Its growling and baring its teeth in a way that makes it clear that it wants to eat you to death. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see the hog that you were mean to earlier also growling, and you figure that the giant murder hog must be the hog from earliers dad or mayor or something. Whoever he is, hes here to teach you a lesson.
The huge hog kicks at the dirt, opens up its big, dangerous mouth, and lunges right for your head.
You close your eyes and wait to die. And then you keep waiting…and keep waiting….
For some reason, the hog is not eating you.
Its the camel!
He saw that you were in trouble and smashed the hog out of midair with one swing of his powerful head. Wow! YOU FUCKING LOVE CAMELS SO FUCKING MUCH!!!
Unfortunately, the hog isnt ready to quit yet. He charges at the camel and tackles him to the ground, where he batters him over and over with his giant, keg-size hooves. The camel moans in pain, and it seems like hes about to give up. But just as the hog readies to deliver one final blow, the camel springs his head up and bites off the hogs huge, meaty ballsack. The hog roars, then scampers away in agony.
Though the camel still has enough strength to eat both of the hogs testicles, hes badly beaten and unable to get up. He looks over at you and makes a noise that sounds like an out-of-tune accordion getting slowly crushed in a sunroof. Your buddy is hurt.
You figure that now is probably a good time to do what you set out to do. Its time to touch a camel.
You touch the camel. You pet him with your hand in a nice and gentle way because he is all fucked up from the hog.
Thank you for saving my life, camel, you tell him in your best camel voice, hoping hell understand. Ill never be able to fully express my gratitude, but heres five dollars as a small thank-you.
You tenderly shove a $5 bill into his ear. The camel seems moved by the gesture. Then, suddenly, he gets up and gallops away. He doesnt limp or anything; apparently, hes fine.
Anyway, so thats that. You did the thing you set out to do. You touched a camel. Way to go.
You do the beginners foot sweep as hard as you can, but the hog counters by snatching you in his mouth and swallowing you whole. You have been eaten as food.
You luck out big time, though, in that the hog does not chew you up. Youre sort of just sitting in his mouth, 100 percent alive.
You start singing the awesome rock n roll song, but youre almost immediately cut off. The big ol hog spits you out at the zoo exit and points his hoof toward the parking lot as if to say, Leave! Looks like its time to go.
Youre glad that youre not dead, but you wish you couldve touched a camel. Oh well.
You start kicking, but it doesnt really matter. The big ol hog spits you out at the zoo exit and points his hoof toward the parking lot as if to say Leave! Looks like its time to go.
Youre glad that youre not dead, but you wish you couldve touched a camel. Oh well.
Where would you like to go look for the camels now?
The horn animal takes your hand in its mouth and sucks hard until your saltiness is depleted. Afterwards, it stands on its back legs in the manner of a human boy and bows its head in gratitude. Then it toddles forward to you and holds its paws out to you, inviting you to do a romantic slow dance.
Nope. Dont even think about it. She has a husband.
The Rascal Flatts approached the zoo and asked if we could name anything after them. Theyd written a song called We Are Pleased To Announce That A Zoo Has Named Something After Us, and they were certain that the song would win a Grammy, but they couldnt legally release it until a zoo actually did name something after them, otherwise they might get arrested for lying. We told them that we dont normally name things after people unless they die or make a large contribution to the zoos conservation fund. They asked how large of a contribution they would need to make, and we said $100, and they immediately decided that they would rather die. Before we could persuade them otherwise, they wrapped themselves in flank steak and jumped into the zebra exhibit, where they were promptly eaten alive.
Even though they died, we decided that we still wouldnt name anything after them; we felt that some of the zoos other benefactors were more deserving. However, two years after their death, one of our zebras vomited out a pair of blue jeans. The blue jeans belonged to Rascal Flatts lead vocalist, Gary LeVox, and in the front pocket there was a $100 bill. The zoos conservation fund accepted the money as a donation, and to honor Gary for his generous support, we decided to change the name of our petting zoo from Feces-Scented Enclosure For Livestock To Bite Childrens Hands to The Rascal Flatts Memorial Petting Zoo.
You find the place where the bad birds are. You can tell the birds are going to be really bad because people keep walking out and throwing up on their hands.
The first bird you see is a disaster. It breathes smoke out of its face and quietly mutters curse words in Spanish. It only has, like, eight feathers total, and the rest of its skin is basically scabs.
Oh no. Its a monster. The feeling you get when you look at this bird is the same feeling you had when the Costa Concordia sank. (Your mom was on the Costa Concordia when it capsized; she refused to evacuate because she still had three minutes on the massage chair and didnt want to waste a dollar. In retrospect, you are happy shes no longer alive so she doesnt have to suffer from seeing this bad bird.)
You try to keep a positive attitude at all times, but looking at this war crime makes you so pissed off that you need to punch yourself in the groin over and over to calm down. The thought of a majestic camel possibly having to share a space with this rotten duck is almost more than you can bear.
The placard for this monster says that its eggs come out looking like dented Diet Pepsi cans covered in blistered skin. Because you have learned this fact, you no longer believe in heaven.
You dont have much more patience for these bad birds. If there are any camels here, they better show themselves soon.
Oh no. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Someone please call 911 on this gross mutant bird. Oh God. Youre going to throw up. The barf is bubbling up into your neck, and there are, like, 10 gallons of it. You need to throw up right now.
You get to the Vomiting Station and throw up for half an hour. When youre all done, you stand up, wipe off your mouth, and notice a man and his tiny husband pointing and laughing at something nearby.
Cant you see were having a moment here? the larger husband snarls.
Seriously, leave us alone, dumbfuck, the smaller, wiser husband spits. The thing were looking at is too awesome for a dickless loser like you. Fuck off.
Holy cow! Its a goddamn camel! Just wandering around the zoo completely unattended! The special beast of your dreams!
Youre trying to play it cool, but youre suddenly more nervous than youve ever been in your life. The camel looks so fucking cool.
Okay. Calm down. You gotta touch it. Dont goof this up…dont goof this up…dont goof this up….